Police, Pizza, and Phonics

Well, Memphis has distracted the woke outrage bots from Grapevine PD Pizzagate.

If only there was a teacher praying in class or leaving a Bible on their desk in Chicago. That would steer them away from the insurrectionists threatening the woke monopoly in school volunteerism.

I jest. This is a serious issue.

First, I’ve seen a copy of that voucher. It is totally void of gluten-free and vegan-friendly topping options.

Second, (this should be obvious from my previous statement) Patriot Mobile is a self proclaimed “Christian” company. I’m betting many of their employees have not received the first jab, much less their 18th COVID booster. 

They haven’t died yet. As far as we know, nearly all Patriot Mobile employees are healthy and happy.

What sort of necromancy has kept them alive thus far? We cannot have our law enforcers developing appreciation for such supernatural machinations.

Third, a massive and time consuming investigation has revealed that Patriot Mobile Action is a political action committee which receives large donations from the Patriot Mobile company. Even more disgusting, it has been endorsing candidates in recent school board elections. Keep that in mind. We’ll tie a nice pretty bow around it all by the end of this article.

Grapevine PD expressed gratitude for Patriot Mobile’s pizza donation on facebook. Within minutes indignation manifested from the woke rage mob. The stench of goodwill was outrageous, precisely because the company promotes those horrible traditional family values. Patriot Mobile ignored sacred tradition by offering police round food with no hole in the center.

GPD PizzaGate

That alone was so far outside the pale of orthodoxy it bordered upon the satanic.

The department’s social media pages went viral. Not from the handful of actual woke humans who were livid about it. The nationwide plague of GPD PizzaGate tweets came from a vast network of bots. Those were activated by the heroic woke mob bosses.

What is the most chilling portent of this pizza donation? It was obviously intended to influence our law enforcers. We all know they are imbued with naïveté. Just think of all the times you have been stopped only to be let go after you said, “No, I wasn’t speeding. You and your stupid radar gun are wrong!”

I always feel gratified when they say, “Oh, my bad. You’re free to go.”

Patriot Mobile’s leverage of marinara and pepperoni to corrupt the thin blue line failed. The GPD administration replaced its post with an expression of contrition for falling for the plot. But another public donation conspiracy was hatching in a smoke filled room.

…or on a phone line. Maybe even (gasp!) a Patriot Mobile phone line!

The masterminds behind it were people who likely voted for school board candidates that Patriot Mobile Action had endorsed.

Are you connecting the dots?

I’ve got it all pinned to a corkboard in my man cave with red string and thumb tacks. Two thumb tacks, one string.

The January 17 Insurrection

What followed was an insurrection against the supreme right of woke groups to monopolize volunteerism.

Hearing that thousands of new reading curriculum books had been delivered and needed inventorying, they seized the opportunity to infiltrate. They cloaked themselves in the  thin guise of getting teachers the materials they needed in time for classes to begin. Then they marched to Timberline Elementary with their bull horns and buffalo hats.

It would have been a brilliant stroke by the wicked conservative parents, breaking the lily-white pure woke groups’ monopoly on school volunteering. If only they could have absconded with the PTA president’s lectern.

Fortunately, woke warriors peeled the top onion layer off by attending a regular public school board meeting. The investigative diligence revealed volunteers publicly admitting to spending hours inventorying the materials. The audacity of the confessions was shocking. Some volunteers even stated they enjoyed helping out.

At least one attorney, Rachel Wall, has engaged in a heroic deeper investigation to peel layer two off that naughty onion. She submitted at least three FOIA requests to the district so far. One demands the school provide any photos taken by volunteers at the school.

This is where the smoke may lead to the gun. Wall’s January 17 Committee has been hard at work posting on the usual facebook groups, and at last count her original personal timeline post on the subject had comments from nine friends. That’s about double the viewership of the competing national “January 6 Committee” hearings.

The metadata will tell.

Remember folks:

Volunteering at school is the domain of the PTA, drag queen storybook readers, and those who have been thoroughly jabbed.

Simply complying with school policy and being escorted everywhere by school security with zero student contact isn’t enough social credit to infringe on that monopoly.

That goes double if you are the sort of person who likes seeing the national motto on school walls.

(Full disclosure: this op-ed was written on a Patriot Mobile phone, but only because it’s more affordable, reliable, and supported by incredibly friendly evil people.)